If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
