Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
