You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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