She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
