I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
