I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
