I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
