I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
