went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
