A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
