mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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