A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Randomize
