Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
