I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
