I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
