Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
