Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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