Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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