Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
