youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
