All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
