What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
that is very illegal...i love you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
