Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
