Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
