12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
