If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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