a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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