I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
