Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
