Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
