I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
