Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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