I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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