look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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