Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
