i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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