I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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