i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
