I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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