I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
