I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize