i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
