My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
