I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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