I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
