You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
