which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
