you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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