I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize
