we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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