just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
