she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
