Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
