Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
