Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
