He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
