Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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