My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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