oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
