I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize