dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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