Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
