I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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