Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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