I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize