Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
